Starbucks Kenya Coffee Beans

Starbucks Kenya Coffee BeansThis looked great straight away – a nice gentle foam on the top. The only thing that detracted was it seemed to have an oily surface – almost like a mini oil slick swirling around in there. Once you get over that though, the taste is right up there. Us judges now know about the whole Kenya/Altitude/Citrus thing (thanks, Mike Riley of Taylors) so when we read about it on the side of the pack, we were ready to believe it. What was the first thing Judge Coughee said when he glugged it?  It tastes of fruit! Hank’s still not quite having it though. I’m on it though – a definite lemony twang. It hits you the second it’s in your mouth, but it doesn’t linger on. When it’s gone, it’s gone. It’s like a fruity bullet just grazing your tongue as it speeds past. A great coffee – would be a 9, but at the usual Starbucks extortionate price of £3.95, it can only score an 8/10 from me.

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Douwe Egberts Cafetiere Blend Coffee

Douwe Egberts Cafetiere Blend CoffeeA standard, always available coffee. No matter where you go, you can pick this one up, and to be honest, it’s nothing special. It’s not overly strong – we just did 5 spoons for 2 cups. The flavour is there, but it’s the kind of coffee I’d expect to be served in a restaurant or something – just a generic filter coffee. It’s got something of a dry aftertaste too which lingers around. Drinkable enough but I just wouldn’t rush out and buy it unless it’s all that’s available. Scores just a passable 5/10 at this point.

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Asda Extra Special Java Volcanic Island Coffee

Asda Extra Special Java Volcanic Island CoffeeWe’ve had two of these in the same day. The reason for that?  It’s ‘effing blinding, that’s what. Post my visit to Taylors lab last week, we’ve sharpened up our act in the kitchen. We’ve now got a timer to make sure we do a standard 3 1/2 minutes for each brew, and we’re not going to open a new packet until we’ve finished the last one – or left it in the kitchen for the peasants to finish off. There’s nothing to fault this on – it’s thick and heavy, full of flavour yet no bitter aftertaste. I found out last week that these Asda Extra Specials are, infact, made for Asda by Taylors themselves – which explains me going out of my way to find an Asda just so I could try one. There’s a big range too. Excited. No question – it’s a 10/10

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Starbucks Bali Coffee

Starbucks Bali CoffeeThis has been a cock-up from start to finish. First off, it got made with a kettle of COLD water in a catastrophic user error. Then there’s the fact we opened it a month ago and still havent reviewed it. Then the re-make turns out to be as anemic as hell. There is a flavour in there, but I’m not getting it in the usual 6 spoon cup. Scoring badly at 4/10 for now until we turn it up to 7. Maybe you need the “dark chocolate torte” rammed inside the cup at the same time?

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Percol Black and Beyond Coffee Beans

Percol Black and Beyond Coffee Beans

The Percol marketing people really know how to hit the right spot. As a Coffee Judge, reading the side of this packet is bound to get you in a fevered state of excitement – they have just described us perfectly. So the expectation from this is high – are we going to get a Lava Java Buster? Well – not quite. The usual issue with beans – another variable in the make up – means the brew we get is under powered. Hank went lightly on this one, obviously wanting to save his “grinding hand” for other activities later this evening. Despite this, for the first time, some of the blurb on the packet is actually true for the first time in this Judge’s life. There IS no bitter aftertaste and it really does reach the depths of flavour! It’s a cracking coffee in my opinion and restored my faith in the Percol brand which was starting to wane after the first two duffers. 8/10 for now, for sure a 9 when we get the strength right – maybe even a 10!

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Waitrose Java Coffee

Waitrose Java CoffeeThis one turned up from our rookie Judge “cougheee” with the bold claim of the next Lava Java. It was just the two of us and he made his first pot following the strict Judge’s rules – 5 spoons. Holy shit – this thing was so strong he may as well have picked up a piece of lead piping instead and smashed me about the face with it. Surely there must have been a mistake in the making?  Tablespoons instead of dessert spoons maybe? So today Judge Hank is back, swaggering about, with the intention of putting things right. What gets delivered is thick, heavy and oily. Just by looking you know that this is going to hurt. And it does. So far under normal Judge rules this is the strongest thing ever tasted. The underlying taste is pleasant enough, but it’s just hard to pick it out when your mouth is pouring with blood. Again I can’t finish the cup – which must score it badly – but I know deep down there’s a good coffee here, you just need to treat it like it’s radioactive: handle carefully and brew in a lead lined caffetiere. I can only give it 6/10 for now – but I’m sure this will jump up when we get the strength right.  And this is a STRENGTH 4 for God’s sake… I thought Waitrose was the store for lily-livered Guardian Readers!

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Taylors Espresso Coffee Beans

Taylors Expresso Coffee BeansCoarsely ground this came out fighting from its corner. A real heavyweight – and you’d expect it to be, being called an “espresso”. Of course we had a whole mug of the stuff, not four drips in the bottom of a poncy “cup” that would look more at home on a doll’s house table. It is bitter – might be more to do with our grinding technique again as the mug was full of powder – this wasn’t a liquid – more of a semi-solid. Still, we like that on a Friday afternoon. Whether it will help with my current headache is open to question. This one is said to be made of four different beans – is that by design or from sweeping the roasting house floor? Who knows – it’s a high scorer whatever. I’d have given it a 9/10, but I have to peg it down 1 for the ball-ache of having to grind the bugger ourselves. Taylors: that’s YOUR job.

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Carte Noire Coffee

Carte Noire CoffeeThis has caused us a real problem – with just one glug you know it’s quality and the initial thought is its another 10/10 to rival the Taylor’s Hot Lava Java. I’m swilling it round now trying to pick holes in it… and I can’t. It’s strong, it lingers in your mouth and there’s no hint of fruit, nuts, lemon or any other kind of novelty coffee adjective. I just can’t bring myself to give it a ten just yet – it can’t be as good as the HLG can it? This was not our coffee – we blagged it off someone else. We need to blag it again though as this review needs more evidence! 9/10

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Percol Colombia Arabica Coffee

Percol Colombia Arabica CoffeeAfter yesterday’s Percol Debacle with a strength 4 that was so weak, sickly and milky that I may as well have just have put my mouth directly on the cow’s udder, we decided to really spoon this one up as even Percol grade it a strength 3 – which as we all know is the weakest coffee strength known to man. So at 7 spoons the initial waft wasn’t bad – I could smell coffee over the cow shed – and it looked fine too. It looked professional. But professional coffees are never really that good are they? I mean, they start well, but after a few glugs you’re used to it and wishing you’d just stayed at home and made one yourself. They claim “a hint of nuts” – which is the usual bollocks – unless it refers to the bloke who does their packaging which this time looks like a packet of salt and vinegar. So – ideal for those after-dinner-party moments where you don’t want to disgrace yourself, but don’t want them hanging around too long discussing it. Drink and go. 5/10

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Grand Mere Familial Coffee

Grand Mere Familial CoffeeWhat are we doing starting the week with another one of these French Cheapies? Because we live on the edge, that’s why. We wern’t expecting much from this one but we did notice how finely ground it is, so we took the initiative to make it a bit weaker. And it worked! By which I mean it didn’t taste of an old pub ashtray, which is what we’ve come to expect of these French bargain coffees. It did smell of ashtrays though – so if you hold your nose and glug it down I think you can give it a 4/10!

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