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Honest Coffees Firefly

Once we read the side of the packet of this one we were sucked straight in. Not since that rather ill judged biriyani for elevensees we had last summer have we suffered from a “cardamom finish”. Unfortunately though, the cardamoms never materialised – which to be honest is a good thing – as they have no place whatsoever in a cup of coffee. We didn’t pick up on te honey or blackcurrant either, Basically, the whole blurb on the side was clearly written by someone who’d just taken some cold remedies the night after a big curry and was still suffering from the after effects. Similes aside – this coffee didn’t really do much for us. It tastes fine but it could be just about anything – it was shallow in flavour and just didn’t deliver. maybe we didn’t make it strong enough? 6/10

Honest Coffees

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Honest Coffees Up And At ‘Em

This is probably the first coffee we have ever had that claims to taste of peanuts. So from the outset let’s clear this up – it doesn’t. And a good thing too as there’s nothing more likely to ruin a good cup of coffee that a sprinkling of KP’s finest all over it. What next – Chicory?? Hazelnuts? ’nuff said. The first cup we have from this was a real washout – weak as hell even when made at our normal strength of 5 desert spoons for two cups. But on closer inspection when we ground the beans for the second cup we realised why – these beans are as hard as the Kray Twins and practically took the blades off our puny little grinder. We had to put them through again before they submitted and we finally got to taste what this coffee’s really like. We couldn’t really pick up any berry fruits in there as they claim – it’s pretty much a standard coffee without any whistles and bells. Nice enough – but neither super strong nor super fruity it kind of falls into no-mans land. 7/10

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Marks and Spencer Ethiopian Yirgacheffe Coffee

The first Marks and Spencer coffee we’ve had in a while – they’ve changed all their packaging now so its all less glitzy and more down to earth – brown bags are the fashion these days. This has all sorts of bold claims on the packet – floral, apricot, Jasmine… it would be easier to list what isn’t in there. Still – poncy descriptive aside – this is a great, quirky coffee. Firstly it looks so inviting – it’s one of those that as you stir it up in your pot it forms a lovely creamy head which looks so appetising. And it lasts even as you pour it into the cup – it almost delivers a cappuccino from a caffetiere. Taste-wise, well, it really is fruity – normal for an east African coffee it’s got that zesty citrus taste that cuts through that sleepy Monday morning and gets you where you want to be. It seems to be lightly roasted – the colour in the cup would encourage anyone to drink it – unlike some, that although taste good, do look as unappetising as a vat of old sump oil. The only downside is you can’t really knock this one up too strong – if you over do it the zesty lemons turn to lead balloons and it’s like sucking on a handful of pocket change. Overall, a great and one to serve to the uninitiated who will be impressed that you know what your doing with your plunger. 9/10

Ethiopia, Marks and Spencer

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Morrisons Signature Kenyan Coffee

Kenyan coffee is normally the bee’s knees – so we snapped this one off the shelf on a recent trip to Morrisons – which itself seems to have gentrified since the last time this judge was in their aisles way back in the nineties in the dusty back streets of Bradford. Instead of being all pies and Yorkshire Puds it’s now all artisan bread, wet misted veg and – well – Kenyan coffee. Bring it on.two packs for a fiver is the deal of the year too. Taste-wise the wasn’t quite as good their Ethiopian offering – it just had a slightly metallic twang to it. Probably because we over cooked it – but then we’ll never know as we won’t be making a weaker version any time soon. Still – it’s a great coffee – looks good with a nice head on it. It makes a great paring with the Ethiopian – buy them both. 7/10

Kenya, Morrisons

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Morrisons Signature Ethiopian Coffee

This stuff looks simply amazing. We’re only using a simple French press to make it yet it comes out, every time, with a thick creamy head as though it had been run through a five grand Gaggia in a carbon-neutral hipster coffee bar in Shoreditch. We’ve not had that much head since the Judges took a weeks sabbatical to the Reeperbahn. It’s so easy to make this one – it comes out the same every time. It’s got a slightly fruity twist to it which, when you have the first one, is a real pleasant surprise. But after a few cups this does end up tasting a little bit metallic. Maybe we just over spooned this one – it would probably benefit for being made just a little weaker. But we didn’t do that. Its an 8/10

Ethiopia, Morrisons

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Malongo L’Express Coffee

This is a weird looking one that comes from France. It has a bit of English on the side that says “Creamy Coffee Personified” which is quite literarily wrong, as creamy coffee it may be, it still is just a tin of coffee and not a person. Which is what I was lead to believe personified means. Once you get past the grammatical errors and into the tin, the first thing you’ll notice is how finely ground this is – it’s got the consistency of flour. Which means when you spoon it out it’s very easy to overdo it – it will pile up on the spoon in a giant pyramid that is quite literally the Great Pyramid of Cheops personified. So you do need to keep tapping the spoon to bring it down to a more normal measure. The resulting brew is worth the fiddling though – it’s a frothy, heavy number that is super chocolaty and satisfying. Like a Milo laced with amphetamines. Unusually for the French it comes in a handy tin rather than a nightmarish vacuumed packed brick which makes it very user friendly. We loved it. 9/10

France, Malongo

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Lavazza Caffe Crema

Another Lavazza not often seen in the UK – this one was picked up in Austria. It’s a tiny bit harsh – which we presume is due to the usual Lavazza Robusta bean contents – it doesn’t mention anything about arabica on the packet of this one. That said – it still goes down pretty nicely. Lavazza say its a medium coffee for all day long drinking from a big cup – we don’t really agree with that, unless it’s just the way we make it here. For us it was a pretty potent brew that would probably kill your granny. It’s not really sophisticated though – it’s just coffee slapping you in the throat. So we like it. 8/10

Lavazza

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Lavazza Club Coffee

This is the best Lavazza we’ve had – and it doesn’t seem to be available in the UK. We picked it up in France at the Carrefour while stocking up on cheap Chateaux du Closet. It’s got the Illy style tin which makes a change from the usual Euro brick packaging that normally just ends up all over the floor – although it doesn’t have the nitrogen whoosh as you open it. This is ground super fine – and we mean super fine. If you felt the need you could chop this stuff up on the back of the staff toilet cistern and just snort it down. The fine-ness means you need a bit of care when making it – the spoons will pile the coffee high on them and you’ll end up with a brew that’ll rip you’re tongue out. But treated carefully, this is a great brew. It smells divine – everyone wanted one – and they got one – and loved it. It’s a 9/10.

Lavazza

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Carrefour Ethiopia Coffee

Unusually for the Frenchies this has got a country of origin stamped on it. It came from good old Carrefour so its easy to come by. We expected a lemon twang from this – that’s what you normally get from these East African coffees. Not the case here though – if any word could be used to describe this it’s chocolate. Not the slightest hint of a lemon in this. We made it in our usual caffetiere and it foamed up beautifully – it looked more like a pint of real ale than a coffee – it just looked great. Every cup came out perfectly – it was just plain impossible to cock this one up. All in all – a good one. Neuf Points.

Ethiopia, France

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Selenes Oras Coffee

This stuff comes from TK Maxx and its only a couple of quid a pack. There is no polite way to describe this – it’s totally foul. I’m not even sure how it can be called coffee – it tastes of an overflowing, burnt out plastic ashtray. In a way, it’s almost worth getting some so you can experience what truly bad coffee tastes like, as anything else you have after this will seem like caviar topped with a white truffle served off a virgins thing. So yes – buy it – to really be able to appreciate the full coffee spectrum. Actually – it’s as bad as the Sainsbury’s basics – but loses out because at least that was only £1.50. 1/10

TKMaxx

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