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Sea Island 360 Reserva Cafe Puerta Rico Coffee Beans

It’s strange how your values change. Only last week we were moaning at paying 12 quid for a pack of coffee and it was no better than a Sainbury’s three quidder. Then we cranked it up a notch – and some – to 25 quid a pack of uber gourmet Jamaican Blue from Sea Island. This time it’s another gourmet – but back at 12 quid a pack. Get that – we now think 12 is cheap! Well, it’s definitely a pleasure to quaff this one – there’s plenty there to taste and the flavour lingers on the back of your tongue for a while – in a very pleasant way. Serve this at your after dinner party and no-one will complain. Why would they – they didn’t pick up the tab. 2 points off for cost, bringing it down to 7/10.

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Sea Island RSW Peaberry Jamaica Blue Mountain Coffee Beans

So this is the best coffee known to man. Apparently. Jamaica Blue Mountain. We got gifted this by the lovely people at Sea Island Coffee who seem to specialise in the most exclusive and top of the range coffees. This half sized pack of 110g retails at £13 – that makes it the equivalent of £26 for a normal sized packet which is just utterly ridiculous. Now that’s not Sea Island ripping you off – this Blue Mountain coffee costs the earth wherever you get it. As for the actual taste – well it’s pretty fine and made a delicious cup. The first cup was a little weak so we spooned it up by one – I think this one can’t be made wrong no matter how many spoons go in, it will always come out good. But you can’t help choking and losing some of the pleasure with every sip when you think of the extreme cost – it’s a coffee for Mugs. Arf. It would have had a 9/10 for taste but I’ve had to dock it a massive 5 for the rip off factor as it has to score under 5 which is our threshold for “would never buy it again”. Sorry guys – 4/10. Final answer.

Jamaica, Sea Island

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Kopi Guatemala Finca Santa Clara Coffee

This Kopi coffee we got with the full info sheet – and man do they love their coffees. Read the blurb below if you don’t believe me – this is the care they put into describing just one coffee. Our problem with it has been the coarseness of the grind in the pack we bought. It’s really grainy which has led to a few under-endowed cups. Once we realised that though and cranked it up a notch, we got more of what we were after. A fine tasting cup and not overly bitter. Still nothing to scream and shout about – particularly for top-of-the-range £7 price tag which has definitely cost it a point. Maybe this one has gone off a bit – it being last months coffee? (7/10)

Guatemala, Kopi, Strength 3

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Kopi Thailand Peaberry Doi Chaang Coffee

We picked this one up at the Tea and Coffee festival – and here’s the idea. You join the Kopi Gourmet Coffee Club, and every month they send you a new fancy coffee. This is our first go – and it’s very definitely a delicate coffee. Normally when people use the words “delicate flavour” they usually mean “f*ck-all flavour” and in this case its half true. This is a fine enough coffee – very coarsely ground so you really need to spoon it up to get the taste – and you cant really over do it. It just won’t let you. Sometimes though, I want to make a coffee so strong that I can’t even drink it and have to use it to clean the drains. Not with this little flower. It just left me wanting a bit more – which is lucky as we’ve got one more Kopi coffee to try. We like the idea though – swish coffee through the post. Have a read about them – sign up and give us your views. 7/10 from Judge Nooge.

Kopi, Strength 3, Thailand

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Ethiopian Coffee Company Sidamo Coffee

The Judges attended the Tea and Coffee festival – which was a bit of a let down to be honest. A dozen stalls – half of which selling cakes. There was some coffee to be had though – and this was one of them. The most ridiculously expensive coffee we have ever bought – £13 a pack. This has got to blow us away. Did it hell. Firstly, it’s super-weedy, so you have to really load up your machine to get even a mild kick. Secondly, the “hint of mild Jasmine” is so f*cking overpowering I really did question whether the cup had been washed properly – or was I drinking pure Fairy Liquid? What a disappointment. If this had cost what it’s worth (£3) I’d have given it maybe a 7 for the unusual taste. But rules are rules – and anything you would never buy again must score under 5. That makes it a 4/10 and a total rip off.

Ethiopia, Ethiopian Coffee Company

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Jacc’s Gourmet Colombian Dark Roast Coffee

The Missis picked up a few bags of these coffees from a market in Bristol. They look the part – and come with their own self-sealing bag. Result! This is now the second bag we’ve tried – the first one went walk about when we foolishly left it in the kitchen after the first cup. Shame we can’t remember much about that one. This one is immediately full on chocolate. There must be some kind of additive in this – it’s just un-naturally chocolatey. Or is it Chicory? One of those weird coffee-add-ins, anyway. Which meant for me it just became sickly as I slurped my way through it. Sorry Jaccs – just a 5/10 from me – though most people would probably like this.

Colombia, Jaccs

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Douwe Egberts Fired Up Coffee

Can you believe it? Douwe Egberts, who have been peddling the same three packets of coffee for donkey’s years, have finally wised up and gone for some rebranding! Now, the cynic in me says that the contents of this packet are the same as the old packets. BUT – we’re excited by this one nonetheless. Is it really a new strength 6 and a contender for the throne of the Lava Java? Well, clearly Douwe Egberts have been sniffing around the marketing dept. of Taylors of Harrogate – as this is just a straight forward rip off of their Lava Java – even down to the picture of some lava on the packet. But we don’t care – packaging for coffee is important – these guys need to realise there is nothing else to tell them apart. For 99% of the UK population coffee is either just instant or real. Anyway – Taylors can rest – this one is a bit too harsh for our liking. The smell off the cup is strong and dirty – the smell of cheap Robusta beans – and the taste is so bitter I really had to load mine up with extra sugar to get it down. I still didn’t mind it though – it’s just really unsophisticated. 6/10

Douwe Egberts, Strength 6

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Marks and Spencer Christmas Coffee

We’ve cracked – it’s only mid November and we’ve been suckered in to this Christmas Coffee from M&S. In theory, we should love it – it should be totally over the top and over indulgent. Don’t waste your time – it isn’t! There’s more flavour in a bucket of reindeer’s milk. It’s just totally lacking uuumph. We immediately spooned it up a notch for the second cup and that made no difference either. This is meant to be a strength 4 – but it’s more like a 2. It’s not horrible though – it’s the kind of just-about-ok-coffee that you might get made when visiting a friend’s house. If you don’t want to be over powered, if you like mellow, then you may well like this. Otherwise, it’s a no no. 5/10

Christmas, Marks and Spencer

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Lavazza Crema e Gusto Coffee

The package looked good – glitzy, but oozing tasteful Italian style. It also claims “crema” – which we now know is the fine creamy foam that sits on top of your coffee. So I was quite excited about this. BUT – jeez – this stuff is the cheapest tasting muck you we’ve had in a while. It’s no wonder – when you read the back of the pack it says 70% Robusta beans. Now, us judges have now learnt that Robusta = Bollocks, and this coffee is testament to that. You may as well go down your local petrol station, pick up 5Kg of BBQ charcoal and suck on the biggest lump. The only way we could drink this was to weaken it down a spoon and add a bit more sugar. That made it just about drinkable. Just. (4/10)

Lavazza, Strength 5

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Percol Americano Arabica Coffee

Every cup of this has given us a smooth creamy head with less effort than Divine Brown. It’s a strength four – which in this case means it packs tons of coffee flavour without any aftertaste or sickly sweetness. It can take a massive overdose too – don’t be afraid to spoon this one up and it will just get better and better. As usual, the Percol packaging is as unattractive as Divine Brown on a Sunday morning after a long night with this year’s RADA intake. What in their right minds, makes them think that derelict building and an old ladder makes you want to pop off and make a nice cup of coffee? One off for the packaging – as it’s SO offensive – gives it 8/10

Percol, Strength 4

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