The initial smell of this coffee bodes well - the lemony twang you expect from a Kenyan - and I don't mean a marathon runner. But this is a strength TWO - which as we all know, means weak as hell. There is no such thing as a strength one - the scale starts at two - so this is as weak as it gets. And it's true - this one has all the right hints of quality that you'd look for - but just not enough of them. It's like having a quickie behind the bike sheds - alright but just not satisfying, leaving you wanting more. Your mum would like this one for sure - and I don't mean the quickie. Or maybe she would - who knows - I've not seen her in a while. We're on a trial separation.  6/10

We don't often get coffees that come from this far flung part of the world (Tesco - Sidcup). They claim fruity on this one - but no, it's not. But that doesn't make it a bad one - this is just a damn fine cup of coffee with no whistles and bells. No lemon, no choc, no fruit...  just coffee. Maybe we're getting a bit too poncy in our coffee tastes these days - and we kind of expect some kind of swanky sophistication, rather than brute force coffee. This one is definitely a MAN's coffee. There's no drinking this one from a tiny doll's house tea cup. It's for serving from a big mug - made of thick china that can cope with the heavy liquid within. Are you getting the picture? Just a couple of points off this one for the slight metallic aftertaste. 8/10

I could barely get this one down due to eating my own f*cking words at the same time! Starbucks = corporate shit. Colombia = coffee shit. Those were my words up until now. The Starbucks bit you can understand - glossy chain coffee shops selling just a "house blend", staffed by minimum wagers. They may sell a lot of real coffee in packs - but it's all over priced - this one is 4 quid a bag. Mind you - recent coffee price hikes means £3.50 is the entry level these days, so maybe I'm being harsh on them there. As for the Colombian thing - we all think their coffee will be so cool - those Colombians are famed for their stimulant production after all - but the coffees we've had have all been well under par. BUT... this one is a total blinder! Sorry Starbucks, sorry Colombia... this one is like ramming your face in a big hairy nut sack until you can no longer breath. Impossible to cock up in the making - every cup has been luscious. For taste this one is a 10/10 - but I've got to dock a point for the super-oily grind - the surface has floating tiny oil specks on it every time, leaving nasty ring marks down your cup as you pause to slurp. If you can get over that (or just glug it down in one) then it's second to none. Nice one Starbucks... at last. 9/10

As Wacko Jacko said, minutes before keeling over in a drug induced haze, "This is it". The best Grumpy Mule there is. This one is impossible to f*ck up - evey time you pour this little beauty into the cup your legs are gonna be quivering, barely able to take your weight, in anticipation of what's to come, as it's looks so good and smells so good you know it's going to blow you away. It's a heavy, thick coffee clearly designed for MEN - there's not a hint of gay-as-a-lord zestyness or citrus. It's just C.O.F.F.E.E. The only thing that can stop me giving this a 10/10 is the usual Mule pricing - its a fiver a pop. Even on Amazon. But tell you what folks - do your self a favour and give it a go... 9/10

This has restored our faith in the Grumpy Mule - and Latin coffee - which for us lately just never seem as good as the Africans. We've had a few of these - and there's been no cock ups on any of them. Easy to make and forgiving on that early Monday morning shaking hand that could so easily over-egg it. Anyway - there aren't really any adjectives or metaphors to describe this - no "fruity"or "zesty" required. It's just a good old coffee-tasting mug that makes you realise that you will never drink instant coffee for as long as you live. They claim "nutty" and "chocolatty" which is just their marketing department talking utter bollocks. There's nothing to say except - it's f*cking great: get some. (9/10)

Despite all the bold claims on the back of the packet that this is "Bursting with delicious citrus notes" it's not quite true. OK it does have a lemony twang to it - but somehow it just tastes a bit cheap - like stirring a spoon of Lift into an averagely drinkable coffee. It's still nice enough, and the coffee taste hangs around in your mouth after you've glugged it. But in the end, the citrus twist just isn't enough to elevate this thing. Maybe it's because it's a strength 3 which us judges cannot cope with. If this had a bit more grunt, it'd be there. So, if you want a kiddie-level introduction to Kenyan Coffee, this one will probably do you well - it's rated a 12A, or a (6/10)

The first thing to note about this one is the large grains - you can't stack up a big spoon of this stuff - it just slides straight off. It's almost as if after grinding it they washed it, which can't be good. It smells slightly ashey too. But on making this at our usual strength it comes out pretty good. OK it's not super-sophisticated - but it does the job and it pleasantly drinkable. There are plenty of other coffees out there though which are better than this one, and don't cost as much (this is a 4 quidder). So I would buy it again - but i'd be looking for anything else in preference! (6/10)

This says "Light Espresso" on the packet - and they mean it. It also says it's fruity in flavour - but this judge didn't get any of it. Not fresh fruit served in the Guatemala rain forest anyway - maybe a waft of tinned fruit cocktail served in a Little Chef. It's all just a bit too weedy for my liking - though it does have flavour and I can appreciate there's quality here - just not enough of it. Maybe if we spoon it up, big time, it'll get the church bells ringing, but at the standard dosage this is one for your mum. And I mean your mum, not mine, who is as hard as nails. (6/10)

A limited edition Taylors - one of our favourite coffee makers. This is a good one - easy to get right, and fully of zesty flavour whether you make it strong or weak. The first one we had was weakish, but the tangy-ness really shone through, so we spooned it up and then up again until we had a right face smasher. Even at that strength the quirkiness was still evident, nibbling away at your tongue. Maybe it lost a little finesse at higher dosages - it did start to give the slightly metallic taste on the back of the tongue, so I don't think it wants to go any stronger. It's an 8/10.