Sainsburys Espresso Coffee

Sainsburys Espresso CoffeeThis is exactly what you want from a strength 5 coffee - tons of flavour and a real caffeine hit - but you do need to treat it carefully. If you over do this one and spoon up one too many, you'll end up with a cigar-laden ash tray that no amount of sugar can bring back from the brink. So once you find your level with it - stick to it. Don't go thinking "Let's knock up a stronger one..." because you will regret it. We've found this one very useful too at beefing up some other weedier coffees - ones that we like the taste of but just dont quite have the fullness of flavour we're after. Adding one spoon of this ball crusher into the mix with your fragrant but weak Kenyan delicacy will really liven it up, without destroying the subtler flavours. Give it a go kids - it may be "own brand" but who gives a f*ck - it's a 9/10 from the Judge!

8.07692
Average: 8.1 (13 votes)
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Grumpy Mule Finca Las Cochas Colombia Coffee

Grumpy Mule Finca Las Cochas Colombia CoffeeThis was a huge £7 in our local deli - so we're obviously expecting big things. Unfortunately there is nothing special about this "micro-lot" coffee. There is no depth of flavour at all - it's just utterly mediocre. That doesn't mean it's horrible - we all liked it - but there's nothing more you can say about it than that. It's quite a weak roast too - we really spooned it up and still there was no punch in this one. All of the 'notes' claimed on the packets - (chocolate, honey grapes..) are a figment of the marketing department's imagination. This is a an ok £2.50 coffee dressed up in fancy clothes, that's all. I can only score it an average - 5/10.

7.2
Average: 7.2 (5 votes)
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Rombouts Ethiopian Moka Sidamo Coffee

Rombouts Ethiopian Moka Sidamo CoffeeRombouts have really raised their game lately. From just have one pack on the shelves they've gone all Illy-cool and started producing these tins which started out at a fiver a pop (f*ck OFF!) but you can now pick them up at 2 for a fiver, which is a bargain - being that they are 250g extra large size too. Shame you don't get the Illy woosh when you open the tin - but it's still classy none the less. More importantly though, the taste - and what a cracker this is. It's got the East African zesty twang that we love so much and it still packs a punch on strength. Not in a face-smashing way - but still good enough for us hard-as-nails Judges. You can't over cook it either - it's super-forgiving. You could just shake some by eye out of the tin into your machine with one hand whilst knocking one out with the other hand and you'd end up with something to be proud of (in the Coffee hand as least). Well done Rombouts - we'll be knocking out more of this. (9/10)

9.33333
Average: 9.3 (6 votes)
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Douwe Egberts Morning Americano

Douwe Egberts AmericanoFirst things first - we don't like to be told when to have our coffee. So we made this "morning" coffee in the middle of the afternoon, just because we can. The top of this one is really filthy dirty - loads of swirls of powder and oil - which us Judges actually don't mind - although your average punter might. The first thing you notice is the smell of a harsh coffee - this is a strength 5 after all - but your immediate thought is cheap Robusta beans. Now it doesn't say so on the packet, but it also doesn't say 100% Arabica, which we've now taken to mean it's full of the cheap stuff. Even checking out the Douwe Egberts website doesn't give you any more clues. Everything about the Douwe Egberts packaging is dumbed-down for the average Joe - they don't want to tell you much about it, 'cos they don't think you'll understand!  Despite all this, it's OK and a good hit - just a little harsh. 6/10

5.22222
Average: 5.2 (9 votes)
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Whittard Kenya Coffee

Whittard Kenya CoffeeThe initial smell of this coffee bodes well - the lemony twang you expect from a Kenyan - and I don't mean a marathon runner. But this is a strength TWO - which as we all know, means weak as hell. There is no such thing as a strength one - the scale starts at two - so this is as weak as it gets. And it's true - this one has all the right hints of quality that you'd look for - but just not enough of them. It's like having a quickie behind the bike sheds - alright but just not satisfying, leaving you wanting more. Your mum would like this one for sure - and I don't mean the quickie. Or maybe she would - who knows - I've not seen her in a while. We're on a trial separation.  6/10

7
Average: 7 (4 votes)
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Tesco Finest Papua New Guinea Coffee

Tesco Finest Papua New Guinea CoffeeWe don't often get coffees that come from this far flung part of the world (Tesco - Sidcup). They claim fruity on this one - but no, it's not. But that doesn't make it a bad one - this is just a damn fine cup of coffee with no whistles and bells. No lemon, no choc, no fruit...  just coffee. Maybe we're getting a bit too poncy in our coffee tastes these days - and we kind of expect some kind of swanky sophistication, rather than brute force coffee. This one is definitely a MAN's coffee. There's no drinking this one from a tiny doll's house tea cup. It's for serving from a big mug - made of thick china that can cope with the heavy liquid within. Are you getting the picture? Just a couple of points off this one for the slight metallic aftertaste. 8/10

6
Average: 6 (5 votes)
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Starbucks Medium Colombia Coffee

Starbucks Medium Colombia CoffeeI could barely get this one down due to eating my own f*cking words at the same time! Starbucks = corporate shit. Colombia = coffee shit. Those were my words up until now. The Starbucks bit you can understand - glossy chain coffee shops selling just a "house blend", staffed by minimum wagers. They may sell a lot of real coffee in packs - but it's all over priced - this one is 4 quid a bag. Mind you - recent coffee price hikes means £3.50 is the entry level these days, so maybe I'm being harsh on them there. As for the Colombian thing - we all think their coffee will be so cool - those Colombians are famed for their stimulant production after all - but the coffees we've had have all been well under par. BUT... this one is a total blinder! Sorry Starbucks, sorry Colombia... this one is like ramming your face in a big hairy nut sack until you can no longer breath. Impossible to cock up in the making - every cup has been luscious. For taste this one is a 10/10 - but I've got to dock a point for the super-oily grind - the surface has floating tiny oil specks on it every time, leaving nasty ring marks down your cup as you pause to slurp. If you can get over that (or just glug it down in one) then it's second to none. Nice one Starbucks... at last. 9/10

7.5
Average: 7.5 (10 votes)
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Grumpy Mule Organic Espresso Seasonal Blend Coffee Beans

Grumpy Mule Organic Espresso Seasonal Blend Coffee BeansAs Wacko Jacko said, minutes before keeling over in a drug induced haze, "This is it". The best Grumpy Mule there is. This one is impossible to f*ck up - evey time you pour this little beauty into the cup your legs are gonna be quivering, barely able to take your weight, in anticipation of what's to come, as it's looks so good and smells so good you know it's going to blow you away. It's a heavy, thick coffee clearly designed for MEN - there's not a hint of gay-as-a-lord zestyness or citrus. It's just C.O.F.F.E.E. The only thing that can stop me giving this a 10/10 is the usual Mule pricing - its a fiver a pop. Even on Amazon. But tell you what folks - do your self a favour and give it a go... 9/10

8
Average: 8 (4 votes)
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Grumpy Mule Organic Brasil Fazenda Santa Terezinha Coffee Beans

    Grumpy Mule Organic Brasil Fazenda Santa Terezinha Coffee BeansThis has restored our faith in the Grumpy Mule - and Latin coffee - which for us lately just never seem as good as the Africans. We've had a few of these - and there's been no cock ups on any of them. Easy to make and forgiving on that early Monday morning shaking hand that could so easily over-egg it. Anyway - there aren't really any adjectives or metaphors to describe this - no "fruity"or "zesty" required. It's just a good old coffee-tasting mug that makes you realise that you will never drink instant coffee for as long as you live. They claim "nutty" and "chocolatty" which is just their marketing department talking utter bollocks. There's nothing to say except - it's f*cking great: get some. (9/10)

8
Average: 8 (6 votes)
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Marks and Spencer Kenyan Coffee

Marks and Spencer Kenyan CoffeeDespite all the bold claims on the back of the packet that this is "Bursting with delicious citrus notes" it's not quite true. OK it does have a lemony twang to it - but somehow it just tastes a bit cheap - like stirring a spoon of Lift into an averagely drinkable coffee. It's still nice enough, and the coffee taste hangs around in your mouth after you've glugged it. But in the end, the citrus twist just isn't enough to elevate this thing. Maybe it's because it's a strength 3 which us judges cannot cope with. If this had a bit more grunt, it'd be there. So, if you want a kiddie-level introduction to Kenyan Coffee, this one will probably do you well - it's rated a 12A, or a (6/10)

6.64286
Average: 6.6 (14 votes)
0
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